


The lonely broken part of me

by Artfuleye66



Series: Part of Me [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Military, Always Female Stiles Stilinski, But no Dread Doctors, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fem!Stiles - Freeform, Female Stiles Stilinski, First Time, Girl! Stiles, Girl!Stiles Stlinski, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, OOC Jackson, Post-Nogitsune, Post-Season/Series 04 Finale, Romance, Season/Series 05 Spoilers, Some of season 5, Sterek-centric, Stiles-centric, always - girl Stiles, but with POV's from others, fem!Stiles Stilinski, girl stiles, handjob, some - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-15
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-03-01 14:03:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2775716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artfuleye66/pseuds/Artfuleye66
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've never been on a real date or relationship. Don't get me wrong it's kinda my fault ,I've been busy with everything going on since Scott got bit. He's like my brother I couldn't let him go it alone, he would have never made it. We've had to deal with Peter the Rogue Alpha and helping Derek take him down, Jackson being the Kanima ,Gerard's crazy old ass ,The Alpha Pack nearly killing Erica and Boyd, Jennifer (The Darach) Blake and having to sacrificing our selves to save our parents and Derek sacrificing his alpha power to save Cora. Then Derek left to take Cora to safety and I get possessed by nogitsune , god I still am not over that. Derek disappears and we trace him to Mexico and go get him, only to have to deal wit Kate and the Berserkers teaming up with crazy ass Peter. Everything is settled down on the supernatural front. Now that I finally time to breathe and look around, everyone I know has hooked up along the way. I have come to realize that I am alone. But I'm not the only one.</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Realizations and Welcome Home

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [don't leave my hyper heart alone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1156689) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



> This is my first fanfiction. No Beta , the mistakes are all my own. No one died because I want it that way! This is Stiles journey of growing up and finding what really mattered along the way. Timeline end of season 4 Some season 5, but no Dread Doctors. I don't have a personal dislike for the character of Jackson .He just was who came to mind watching part of me ,one of my inspirations .  
> My Inspiration Katy Perry's Video Part of Me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuwfgXD8qV8 and a Great little Fic by jonsnowssmile named don't leave my hyper heart alone ,that lead me to write this.  
> I have no rights to Teen Wolf or any of the characters. I own nothing!!! You will find simalarities to other movies like G.I. Jane , A line in the sand, Blackhawk Down my favorite military films. Besides Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan but not cronalogically useful here. My daughters teacher's husband was in the ranger unit that was in Mogadishu (the story from Blackhawk Down). But I will try my best to do it justice. I know nothing about the military or fighting in combat. Please remember that and anything I use is for entertainment value and devolopment of the story. Explicit rating for languge right now. Might be for sexual content later. I don't want anyone getting to involved in any of Stiles relationships they are only to help Stiles learn how to be in a relationship. The ultimite goal is Sterek.

 

Stiles POV

  I'm about to start my senior year at Beacon Hills High and in six months I will be 18 years old. I've never been on a real date or relationship. You can't count when I took Lydia to prom , we just went as friends and everyone knows it. Don't get me wrong it's kinda my fault ,I've been busy with everything going on since Scott got bit. He's like my brother I couldn't let him go it alone, he would have never made it. We've had to deal with Peter the Rogue Alpha and helping Derek take him down, Jackson being the Kanima ,Gerard's crazy old ass kidnapping me and beating me,The Alpha Pack nearly killing Erica and Boyd, Jennifer (The Darach) Blake and having to sacrificing our selves to save our parents and Derek sacrificing his alpha power to save Cora. Then Derek left to take Cora to safety and I get possessed by nogitsune , god I am still am not over that. Derek disappears and we trace him to Mexico and go get him, only to have to deal wit Kate and the Berserkers teaming up with crazy ass Peter. Oh my god does any ever stay dead around here.

Now that Peter Hale is locked up in Eichen House, everything is settled down on the supernatural front. Now that I finally have time to breathe and look around, everyone I know has hooked up at least once along the way. Let's start with Lydia and Jackson, Scott and Allison neither couple no longer together. Scott is now with Kira , Allison is now with Isaac, Lydia is now with Aiden. Erica and Boyd are still going Strong. Danny has hook up with Aiden's Twin Ethan. God Danny broke my heart in six grade when he came out, I was so in love with him. Even Derek has someone good this time around. Braeden is good for Derek and I know she really cares for him. I really do like her but it's hard I still have a crush on him and is it really a surprise look at my crush on Danny. My crush ended when Danny come out gay . But I'm glad we have become good friends..

Scott and Derek have decided we need to learn how to work as a team and learn how to get along after a few petty fight in the beginning . So every Saturday morning at 7:00 am we met at the preserve for a workout and training. I am getting pretty good at running. Derek like to tease me about finally being able to run without tripping over my own feet. I don't mind ,I still make dog jokes and tease him about his cute bunny teeth every chance I get..

So after working out we all met back at Derek's or my place for Movie night. Dad don't mind, he is just glad he knows all the secrets I was hiding and That I have Friends who will fight For me. So we are at the Loft watching the first Ironman , Thor, Captain America .Because Derek has to catch up before we can let him watch the Avengers. I get up to pop more popcorn. I'm standing in the kitchen area and I am looking at everyone and I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I am still struggling with the things I did as the nogitsune .I feel so lost most of the time. Derek is a big help and is trying to understand. But I cause so much chaos and pain, I still see the blood on my hands. I feel like it's harder to breath every day. The nightmare still happen I'm just better at hiding it. I don't feel like I fit in my skin. I have come to realize that I am alone.

Some days are harder then others. I really do love my friends , it's just hard knowing I may never have what they have. Who the hell would want to spend time with someone so damaged. The nightmares are getting better, I rarely have them and they are not intense as they were. But the guilt is rough to deal with. I just want someone to cuddle on the couch with, to hold my hand as we walk together. Someone to have stupid arguments with some we can have great make-up sex. Is that to much to ask for.

Stiles you all right? Derek's voice brought me out of my thoughts. Umm Yeah , Just thinking. About what , anything important? he asks gently rubbing my arm. I shake my head no and he gets a water then heads back to the couch and Breaden. Damn Stilinski , what the hell is taking so long with that popcorn? Aiden calls out. I pour the popcorn into the bowl and throw a piece at Aiden's head as I walk by. He tries to reach for the bowl. I cradle it in my arms , stick my tongue out and say you can't have any since you want to bitch. Just then the door slides open and Danny and Ethan come in. They had dissappeared after training, I assumed it was to get a quick, but Jackson walks into the room.

Everyone is happy to see him Lydia and Aiden don't seem suprised, They must have known he was coming. He talks to everyone and tells us about living in London. Says he is happy to be home. Jackson doesn't talk to me, he just kind of stares at me when he thinks I'm not looking. He stits down next to Danny. We finish up the movie. I say I'm not feeling well and am going home. Jacksons staring is making me uncomfortable.

 

Jackson's POV

Jackson was suffercating in London. He couldn't breathe. Every breathe felt like poison to him. He just couldn't do it anymore. There was no one there for him. It was always cold and rainy. He couldn't shake the discomfort settling in his bones. Told his parents he was coming home. They weren't happy about it but he is 18 now. They couldn't stop him. He would do his final year at Beacon Hills High with his friends, his pack. He wonders if it’s worth it, if anyone even really cares that he’s coming home. It’s been a year and they’ve all moved on. Fuck, Stilinski tried to destroy the world once, and Scott’s dating some kind of werefox. Jackson doesn’t even know half of this new pack, and they’re all about to start their final year of high school. Why would they care? What do they have in common anymore? Lydia and he had talked for hours last night. He understood were she stood and was happy she said they could be friends. At least he know he would still have Danny and Lydia as friends. London had changed him. His plane landed him back in Beacon Hills and for the first time in a year he could breathe.

Jackson spots Danny talking with some muscle bound meathead looking guy. As he clears the gate  he was hugged by Danny Like it was a reunion of lover, turning heads of onlookers. Jackson say I know you missed me,I missed you too,Baby loud enough for everyone around to hear. Danny bust out laughing and mumbles asshole at Jackson. Ethan standing next to Danny rolls his eyes. Let's get your bags. Jackson this is Ethan my boyfriend. Jackson nods a hey to him. So Ethan do I need to threaten you or... NO,Ethan cuts him off I think I got enough of that from Stilinski. She is one scary girl and I value my balls to much to piss her off. Jackson smirks at him yeah she is. Girls got balls of steel and not enough self - preservation to back down from anyone. She will fight for those she loves.

How is she, Danny? I don't know what you've heard, but she's dealing. I heard from Lydia she still having the nightmares. You cantell she still blames herself. When ever Lydia flinches and she's around you can see the pain, horror and guilt on her face. Niether one of them will talk about what happened in the tunnel. But I know they are working on it together. Scott's a good Alpha now but even he is at a loss on what to do to help. adds Ethan. They grab Jackson's bags and head to Danny's car.

She will be at Derek's. You can see for yourself. It changed her. She's quit and very still around us most of the time. Every now and then we see a glimps of  the old Stiles, Danny says as they put the bags in the trunk. As they go to get in Jackson leans into Danny and says I think I might like him nodding toward Ethan. He seems to care about Stiles. Yeah he's a keeper Danny says. So Lydia Danny as he starts to drive to Derek's. Jackson cuts him off, we talked, got everything out. Don't worry Ethan I know she's with your brother Aiden. So does she know you were coming back today?Ethan asks. Yeah, she does. She wants me to talk to Stiles. She thinks I can help her. I don't know if I should ,you know we never got along. I bullied her for years, Jackson say sighing heavily. They parked and got out headed into Derek's building. Yeah but you've changed. Just let her see that. Plus you were friends once upon a time,just try to remind her of that. Danny says. But your pack and she will do anything for pack. She had her Dad help Derek get custody of Aiden and me. We were really rough on her when we first came here and she really didn't like us. Ethan adds. As they reach the loft Ethan opens the door ending the conversation about Stiles.

Everyone is stunned to see Jackson home. Erica says Welcome Home Jackie with a big grin on her face. Issac is trying to keep from laughing at Jackson's sour expression. Did you miss us? he asks insted. Scott stands up and says Welcome Back to the Pack and hugs him. Let me introduce the new members of the pack. This is Kira yukimura , Liam Dunbar, Malia Tate, and that's Braeden Tandy. Jackson is starting to feel awkward. How was England? Allison asks. Wierd accents, Strang food,noise,busy,different. Glad to be back. Good you need us and we need you we're pack, Welcome home. Derek says. He is, he’s home.He doesn’t want to be anywhere else. Yeah I always felt on edge there, Jackson says as he looks at Stiles for the first time. Ha! so you did miss us. Erica asks. Maybe a little, Jackson conceds. Erica has a pleased smirk and says I know it. Allison says I missed you Jackson we all did. I missed you all too. And Jacksons heart doesn't miss a beat when he says it. All right let's get back to the movie, says Derek as he unpauses the movie.Everyone settles down and watches the movie. Stiles can feel Jackson looking at her.

This is so hard he wants to talk to Stiles, but he doesn't know what to say, so Jackson doesn't say anything. He's watching her. She is being still, like she is trying not to be noticed but that makes her all the more noticable to Jackson. It's unnerving to him. He is out right staring at her. The whole time Jackson is just taking in her apperance. Sure she has lost weight but not much. She has dark circle under her eyes. He notices her facial features. She is no long wearing the buzz cut she's had since she was eight. Her hair is down to her shoulders. Damn! Stilinski is Hot! When? How? The girl is down right attractive. He knows she knows he is staring she looks over every now and then and catches him. When Ironman ends Stiles make an excuse and leaves. Jackson was hoping she would stay and talk to him. It is a little unsettling to him to feel the disapointment he feels.

 

 


	2. Unwelcome Vistors and An Unexpected Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles gets two unwanted vistors and goes shopping with Ethen and finds a friend

Jackson POV

I was thinking about the phone call I got from Lydia, this morning. You should help her.Lydia suddenly says. What? Who? I responds a little shocked. Stiles of course, Lydia's tone indecates he should 've known and he's an idiot all in one. She's seen things that can't be unseen and now she's back,Stiles trying to be who she once was. But there is still a war going on in her head. You can't possibly believe that she's unaffected and back to normal. You've been where she's at right now, you get her.  That's why your the best person to help her. Scott and Derek are trying, but they don't really understand , you do.

Stiles POV

I was poking around in the kitchen looking for somthing for lunch when the knocking started. Derek, Scott, and the rest of the pack just walk in or come in through my window.I had a bad night and really didn't want any company. I slowly walk toward the door. As I am reaching the knob I hear Open up Stilinski! I know you home. I can hear your heartbeat. When I open up the door. I'm meet with a Hi,Stiles. Jackson says with his cocky smile in place. Hi.you remember my name? I ask placing my hand on my chest and gasping in mock suprise. Not funny asshole. Jackson replies. I'm the asshole, last night at Derek's loft you didn't say hi or anything for that matter just stared at me. I spit out, I'm to tired to try and figure out why he's here and what he wants. Yeah sorry about that. The new pack members kind of throw me, there are so many. And what the hell is up with Erica? I like your hair by the way. What do you want,Jackson? I ask sighing heavily. That's when the realization hits me. Lydia I say shaking my head. Yeah she told me to talk to you but actually coming here was all me. he seems proud of himself. WOW! Your a good boy yes you are want a treat? I ask with fake excitment. Jackson flashes his eyes at me and it does nothing to scare me. Your suck a fucking wanker! he says as I pick up on the slight London accent in Jackson's voice. I smile big as I shut the door in his face. " Fuck You " Jackson yells as he hit the door then turns and leaves.

Jackson POV

I gets a call from Lydia just as he is leaving Stiles. I ignore it and keep driving. I only hope she wont be to pissed. They've become somewhat friends. She will always be my first love. They've been talking for months. She was a hugh part of my life, always will be a hugh part of my life and it feels really good to have a hugh part of your life not hate you. I needed time to think about how to help Stiles. Maybe Danny could help.Yes I knew I was still going to help Stiles. Even if she had really pissed me off. I didn't really have anyone when I went through it. Derek had done his best but like Lydia pointed out he doesn't understand.And now Lydia's calling again. I pull over answering her call. I decide to let Lydia know just how much Stilinski pissed me off. Lydia ,I say with a smirk on my face.

Lydia POV

I'm standing at stiles front door.Take a breathe. Open the door and walk in, I find Stiles in her room. I yell at her. You pissed him off! He actually made an effort to hel...I'm cut off by stiles roaring at me I DON"T NEED HIS HELP! I flinch and try to remind myself it's not the nogitsune,this is my friend Stiles.I know Stiles saw my flinch. I can see it on her face,the guilt, the horror, and the pain. I see as Stiles anger deflats in the middle of her bedroom where we stand Stiles let's out a shuttering breathe. I'm so sorry Lydia.I didn't mean... I raise my hand to silence her , cutting off. I don't want or need his help,Okay. Stiles sounds almost pleading. I pull her into a hug. Speaking into her shoulder  I say we both know the truth. I pull away to see unshed tears in her eyes.  He,I take a breathe he actully knows what it feels like ...He's not the same guy he used to be, he's trying. Give him a chance. I say and she says was going to meet Ethan to help him shop for Danny's birthday gift.I kiss her check and say goodbye as I head out the door I call Jackson. I don't give him time to yell at me again. I talked to Stiles you will find her more receptive to help now. I say hanging up. Not letting him get a word in edgewise.

Stiles POV

I head into the coffee shop with Ethan. We had all ready be to a couple of shops and he still hadn't found anything for Danny. I needed caffine. Danny was standing inside with his back to us, talking with Jackson.We overheared Danny saying It's not a summer romance. I mean Ethan is... Jackson interupts Danny by saying Standing right behind you. Danny turns around and says Hi,you sneaking up on me?They wrap around each other and start making out. I wanted to apologize to Jackson but he looked like he was in a  mood. I take a deep breath and head to the counter and ask for a Vanilla Latte. They call Jackson and Danny's order. Jackson walks over and gets their order. He looks at me and hesitantly says Hey to me. I know he used to be a dick but in all honesty I am worse at times.I have a heart of gold for those I love. But for those I could give two shits about I'm the devil himself. The girl behind the counter looks familiar ,I think she was in biology with me last year at least I hope that why. She calls out my name. I say Hey to Jackson as I pickup my order. I take a sip. Hey this isn't a vanilla latte like I ordered. I asked for a vanilla latte this is a pumkin spice frappicino. It's a perfectly fine order why don't ypu give it a try. Yeap had to be biology class. They never get my order right, this girl pisses me off, I throw my cup away and walk out.

Jackson runs after me grabbing my arm. What about Ethan,he asks me. Apparently I'm a shit friend. No surprise there,Jackson says smiling.I feel a little dejected. I'm so tired they never get my order right. I growl at him. He looks surprised by my response. Look I'm sorry about that and earlier. I wanted to um, okay wow,...this is hard, About your offer.I  say swollowing the lump in my throat. Who are you? Jackson Demands. I wanted to laugh but something holds me back. You can't remember can you? He's been in your head so well that even now you still feel like he's in control.I can feel my anger starting to boil standing in front of the coffee shop on main three buildings away from the sheriff's station. I am about to go off when he cuts me off. Who are you? he asks me again.Cause you're definitely not Stiles. No, you're still letting him keep his hold on you. I heared the conviction in his voice and I know he's right. We are standing face to face,I can see the intensity that he holds me there within his eyes. And my anger deflats. Are you him? Or are you that geeky clumpsy kid I played Batman with as a kid? Who are you,Stilinski? I find myself unable to speak. Danny and Ethan have joined us outside. Ethan tells me he's going with Danny and Jackson I just nod.

I turn and walk to the parking lot beside the building. It's a small one the kind with two rows of parking. I'm packed by the building Jackson's porsche is packed across the lot. I climb in my jeep as I see Jackson,Danny, and Ethan come around the building and head to his car. Left alone with my thoughts I'm lost in them.( What am i doing? Why did I feel like I needed Jacksons help. I hate that Lydia's right. They all can see it, I'm not their Stiles. But Lydia's the only one to come right out and say it. Even going as far as to get Jackson to agree to actually help me. I just sit there in my jeep. I can't bring myself to move,I'm trembling mess. But I refuss to cry. I can't not here. I just can't. I should drive home, but I just really don't trust myself to drive right now.) A knock on my window jars me from from my thoughts. I know it was Jackson I don't even have to look. I roll my window down. I'm deteriorating fast and I know it. I just feel Like I can't deal with anything else right now. I brace myself for an attack from him. Are you okay? He asks softly. I'm shocked by his tone and words. I take a shattering breath and I feel the first tear roll down my check. No,you were right... about everything. I say asmore tears roll down my face. I just hope this new Jackson can see this is a white flagg and not prey offering it's jugler vein. Also be kind enough to take the surrender and plea for help.

Jackson POV

As I reach my car with Danny and Ethan, I notice Stilinski still hasn't started her jeep. She's just sitting there with her head down. Shit! I exclaim maybe I said to much I shouldn't have left her after what I said. Please tell my you didn't lose the keys Danny asks. I shake my head no. Well are you going to unlock the car? Ethan this time. No I tell them put the keys in Danny's hands. Take my car when your done leave it in my driveway. I walk across the parking lot without looking back, blocking out Danny's protests. I knock on her window and she rolls down it down without looking at me. I ask softly Are you okay? I didn't want to startle her. No,you were right she pauses with a shuttering breath she finishes,about every thing.I can see a tear run down her face. I see as she surrenders to her pain and she is trembling. Come on, get out.I tell her. Why? she says with tears rolling down her face. Because I'm getting you out of here. You're obviously in no condition to drive and I shouldn't have walked away from you,leaving you alone after what I dumped on you wasn't right sorry. I say  as I open her door and unbuckle her seat belt. Pulling her out and helping her around to the passenger seat. I get her in and buckle her seat belt . Go back to the drivers side climb in and start the jeep, thankfully she all ready put the keys ignition. I back aout the spot and start to drive. Stiles is quite for awhile, not even asking where we are going.

A very quite Why does Lydia think you can fix me? I decide to go with honesty, thats what she needs not more placating sympathetic bullshit. Because I know how it makes you still feels like a monster even after your techically no longer one. I say with understanding seeping from my voice. The rest of the ride is quite except for the occasional sigh or sniffle from the passenger seat. When we reach my parents cabin on the lake Stiles is sleeping I shut off the engine and get out. I go unlock the cabin and turn on a lamp in the livingroom ,It's just starting to get dark. I go back out and Stiles is still sleeping. She's had a rough day between me and Lydia. So I open Stiles door and pick her up in my arms and carry her inside. She doesn't wake up,I lay her down on the couch and cover her with a throw Emily[my adopted Mom] keeps on the back of the couch. I go back out lock up her jeep,going in I lock up the cabin. I leave the lamp on, I don't want Stiles to freak out waking up in a strange place and in the dark. I sit in a armchair across from Stiles. As I watch her sleep ,I can't help but see how cute she's become. I notice the slight up turn of her nose and the moles that dot her face. Soon I feel the pull of sleep,it been an emotional day for me also. I know it's going to be hard on us both when Stiles wakes up. I was thinking and as sleep overtakes me.


	3. Salvation from an unexpect person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson take Stiles away to his parents Lakehouse at Clear Lake.

Stiles POV

I woke in a strange house, there's a lamp on, I can see Jackson sleeping in a comfy looking armchair across from the couch i'm on. I can see the moolight throught the sliding glass doors behind him. I sit up and run my fingers through my hair. I'm feeling a little more refreshed after my nap. so i get up and walk over to the glass doors and look out. I can see the lake and it's nothing short of Beautiful. I know we are at Clear Lake It's about an hour outside of Beacon Hills. My Mom loved it here, We use to rent a cabin up here every summer until she got sick. I speak so softly it's almost a whisper as Jackson walks up beside me and starts rubbing small circle on my back gently. I didn't even hear him until he touched me. It should've felt awkward ,but it didn't

All of a sudden my entire body shook when a sob excaped my lips. I go and sit on the couch to keep from collapsing to the floor and Jackson follows and sits next to me and let's me lose it. At some point he slides in behind me and turn his back to the arm of the couch and pulls me to his chest. He wraps his arms around me, let's me cry. I don't know for how long, He doesn't say anything or complain. I took a shaky breath he just holds me tighter. I needed someone and he's here for me,It's nice. He waited for me to be ready to talk. I wipe the tears from my face and take a steading breath, open my eyes. The things I saw and felt when I was the nogitsune..., I just couldn't share. I want to be myself again... I exhale deeply. I'm not sure if I can be,I admit to myself as well as Jackson. It takes a few seconds for Jackson to talk.

Jackson's POV

I can't promise you'll fully be yourself again, you don't go throughsomething like that without it changing you. It changes who you are and how you see yourself. But with time I can asure you will be less haunted and it'll be a little easier to breath. I'm sorry... about what I said this morning. Stile takes a deep breath and asks Why does Lydia want you to try to fix me? I tense with suprise, I wasn't expecting that. Stiles, Lydia likes you and cares about you. she always has. But Lydia believes I can fix you, but I don't because it's not fixable. you killed people, you're nevergoing to come back from that.

 

Stiles POV

It as the first time someone's answer was so brutally honest and simple at the same time. And for the first time someone seemed to give her the hope she has been searching for. Lydia, you and her... Jackson cut me off. Friends, I will always love her. But I'm not in love with with her. with a shrug of his shoulders he continues.  
She deserves someone better. Lydia has terrible taste in friends. I was possessed by a mass-murdering fox demon who did things to her that still make her flinch when I get close to her even now. I don't know how she can look at me after all I did. Jackson smirks at me, Yeah she has terrible taste. You wouldn't be the first serial killer she liked. No, i'd be the third. I let the conversation change,I felt like I had just put a knife under Jackson's ribs and twisted. It almost feels like I am stabbing myself.

You shouldn't do that, he says. Do what? I had to ask when he seemed to be finished. That blaming yourself for eveything going on. you ha it before the nogitsune, but now it's worse. It oesn't help your dad, your friends and it doesn't help you. Lydia says your not sleeping. I'm not sure if Jackson is asking me or just stating the facts. I freeze then say I'm sleeping I'm... Lying, Jackson says cutting me off. Did you? I ask but I'm not sure if Jackson will answer. He breathes out slowly as he shifts closer to my back and his face isalmost beside mine I can feel his breath tickle my ear and the side of my face. Yeah I did but roughly. Nightmares, right? Jackson asks. I swallow hard. W-What? Nightmares,I'm guessing that's why you're not sleeping. I didn't either,not at first. Not for a few months, the nightmares. I took sleeping pills, Drank nothing worked. when I used to fall asleep,all I saw...the nightmares were so real them. The people it killed ... Blood ... so much blood. I was the monster all over again. I had no control all over again. I felt paralyzed, weakened by my fear. I couldn't wake up. You know it was easier when I was the Kanama,because it keep all the memories away. But once it was gone and I was a wolf, They all came flooding back. The memories that is. he was holing me tightly to his chest like he was scared to let me go. 

I didn't know what to say.But at least I didn't feel so alone now. Someone else knew how I felt, someone understood. Finally I open my mouth and just let it all pour out. If I sleep it's ... it's me stabbing Scott, kidnapping and torminting Lydia, Throwing Derek across his loft,screaming at M. Argent to shoot me in frount of my Dad. The mass murder at the hospital, I had the oni kill everyone in our path. Hell we almost made it to Scott's Mom. Playing on Melissa, Ms. McCall's feelings for me. Making my Dad think I was dying of the same disease my Mom died from. I nearly killed Allison and Aiden at the high school. I know the nogitsune was out of me,but I still felt what it felt. What I saw wasn't even the worst the things I wanted to do, God! I wanted to kill Mr. Argent in front of Allison and look in her eyes as she watched the last of her family die. I wanted to beat Issac and lock him in a dark place like his father did until it broke him. I wanted to hold Boyd's head under icy water and tell him he deserved to drown like his sister did. I wanted to set Derek on fire,Put him out and do it over and over until his healing stopped. I wanted to throw Scott down his stairs and do it until he died. I wanted to feed Erica wolfsbane until she had a seissure and pissed her pants. I wanted to make Lydia watch her dad walk out on her and then make her believe it was all her fault. I wanted to use the things I knew to hurt the people I care about. to hurt them in the worst way.

I would wake up screaming and even then I'm not sure if I'm really awake,so I end up counting my fingers to make sure it's real or not.I'm panting by the end of my rant. Oh, God I am so fucked up! i wheezed out.I can feel it, the on coming panic attack. It's getting harder to breath. Jackson wraps his arms around me, I didn't even feel him let go during my rant. He takes my chin in one hand and turns me to face him. Breath for me Stiles just feel me breath and breath with me. he let's my chin go and pulls me tight against his chest again. his mouth is right beside my ear talking calmly to me. his breath is warm across my cheek. his chest pressed firmly against my back. I slowly regain control over my breathing. I Tortured and terrized our friends. I feel sick everyday of the thought of the lives I ened.


	4. Lakehouse continued and Returning home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lakehouse part 2 and returning home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter now finished

Jackson's POV

I tightened his arms around Stiles again. Making sure to not to let go and ground me as I talk. Hey,hey it's not your fault,Okay? You have to understand that or else you may end up hurting yourself or worse. It won't help you. You're not him. You would never done that ... any of it. He made you do it, it't wasn't you. And as far as you feeling things after he was out of you, you was still connected to him. He was still trying to use you , to make you think those thoughts were yours to destroy you. Because it would, hell it's still trying.That doubt he left behind. You're one who goes out of her way to make sure everyone is okay, to protect us all. It takes a pretty badass human to run with wolves and live, Stilinski. Just remember that's who you are. I know what you are going through. I know what its like to be unable to do a damn thing while a monster took control of your body, being used to torture and kill. The only difference is yours ore you like a human coat. We were a weapon of pain and death. we were guns and guns don't kill the people behind them do. But we end up the same, We both feel broken and used.

Stiles POV

It sucks. Yeah yeah it does. he says rubbing his hands down my arms. First thing you need to do is stop saying I, Stop blaming yourself. It was that thing using you, no different then if I stole your jeep and killed someone with it. She looks up at me from her position on my chest and says The nogitsune, it loved the pain, choas, and danger. I feel on edge all the time. What if that's all I have left? she asks looking away from me. It's not and the fact that you're worried means your not as broked as you think. I answer her taking her chin in my hand making her look at me again. You know I actually miss your smartass mouth. Oh! Really . She knows I'm trying to lighten the mood now. Stiles, I need to ask you one more question. Have you been self-medicating? No,flat out no! I'm a little pissed he asked me that. I forgot he wasn't around when my mom died. I can't do that after watching my dad do it. He did it after my mom died. It was rough to watch. He seems to believe me. Good, I was just checking,he paused for a moment. 

 

You're braver than I was, he says suddenly. I tried to drink when that didn't work I added pills. I ran to avoid what happened. You didn't do either of those things, you're braver then I was and I'm still here. so there's no way you won't make it. I promise you will get better at coping and learn to take it on day at a time, you'll get through this. I'm here for you,everyone who matters is here for you the rest can go fuck themselves. He seems to be finish so I finally decied to ask what i've been wanting to ask him since he first showed up at my door. id you want to come back here or did Lydia make you? Fearing his answer I sit up ,for the first I realize its sunrise. He sighs, This is my home, friends, pack ,family. Yes I wanted to come back here and just for the record. Lydia didn't talk to me about helping you til she knew I was coming back. I like you, always have. You're the only one who ever called me one my shit. I wouldn't have done what I did for just anyone, but Danny and Lydia. you're the exception, Stiles. He admits softly . I care about you, as hard as that is to believe. I don't like seeing you hurt. I don't want to admit it but after seeing you yesterday and you breaking down in your jeep. I can't help but feel like it was my fault after what I said to you. He explained. No,you just made me realize what I didn't want to face. But you didn't hurt me. You're Serious, he breaths out. Of, course I am.

 

My stomach growls loudly. He chuckles, Come on I'll feed you there's a diner on the way back. i'll never hear the end of it from McCall if I let you stave to death. Thanks for this,I say. He looks up and nods at me. We leave locking up. He heads to the drivers side. My jeep buddy, I yelp at him. And your point is what? I drove here and that piece of shit is still in one piece and you are in no shape to drive. He unlocks the door for me and opens it. I get in and pout all the way to the diner. He looks over at me every now and then and let's out a chuckles. We get to the diner and order, we ate in silence. I'm still pouting and he's still laughing about it. On the way out he hands me the keys. I can't take your damn pouting anymore. I get in and turn the radio on. We don't talk but it's nice this time . I can see him watching me out the corner of my eye. When we reach his house. His porsche was already in his driveway. As he opens his door he pauses , Are you okay? I shrug saying, Ask me again tomorrow. Your not going to get in trouble are you, for being out all night. I could hear the concern in his voice. No,Dad had the graveyard shift last night.He nods and leans back in to give me a hug and softly kisses my hair. He gets out saying he'll see me tomorrow. as he climbs out and walks away, I realize the last couple of days have been hard and somehow Jackson made it bearable. Who would have thought it would be Jackson Whitemore To make me see the truth.

I was lying in my bed hoping to set some sleep. As soon as I closed my eyes I felt the past few days finally catching up with me. As my body starts to relax and my mind giving into sleep I feel someone caress my check. I open my eyes and Jackson is sitting on the edge of my bed looking at me. I figured you could use some company to help you sleep, he whispered. Couldn't sleep? I ask. He shakes his head yes,I lift the cover and scoot over. I was sleeping in P.J. bottoms and a t-shirt thank god. I roll over on my side and Jackson cuddles up behind me, making me the little spoon. Tell anyone I cuddled you and I'll deny it,Stilinski. He buried his nose in my hair as we fell asleep. I feel like I had just fell asleep when dad's shout wakes me, Stiles! I open my eyes with a groan,look at my dad and snuggle back into Jackson chest and close my eyes. Really!Stiles? You're just going to close your eyes and ignore me? Get up now it's time for school! John points to his daughter Kitchen now! You shower get ready for school pointing to Jackson. Jackson's mouth drops open. I know that's ot my daughter's Marc Jacob overnight bag and backpack. Y-Yes,Sir! Jackson is scared to move to his bag to get clean clothes. Move both of you! As John follows Stiles downstairs he calls over his shoulder towels in the hall closet.

 

As he enters the kitchen, It's not ... John cuts off his daughter with a hand indicating for her silent. He waits til he hears the water start. What it looks like to me Is Jackson Whittemore in your bed! what it looks like to is the boy you and Scott kidnapped and locked in a stolen paddy wagon was in your bed with you! What is your excuse!? I would love to hear it and doesn't he still have a restraining order against you? D-Dad .. I .. I take a deep breath I'm sorry. I had a bad day ,Jackson was there to help me through it. I told him about the nightmares's and how I can't sleep, He came over thinking maybe I'd be able to sleep if I wasn't alone. Dad all we did is sleep. This throws John a little off balance. He kind of knows what I'm going through, kanama remember, he agreed to help me. Stiles, I watch as he takes a calming breath, I didn't know you were still having nightmares and not sleeping. Why didn't you tell me? He reaches out and takes Stiles by the back of her neck pulling her into a hug. I didn't want to worry you. my voice is muffeled by my dads shoulder.

Sheriff John Stilinski's Pov

Okay,Kiddo. I don't like it but I trust you. If that's what you say happened then I believe you. Go get ready for school you don't want to be late your first day. I see Jackson out the corner f my eye, I didn't even hear the kid walk up. So Jackson help yourself to breakfast and try to get her to eat something. I have a shift to get to. Stiles hugs me one more time. Be careful Daddy. I love you. she says as she heads out of the kitchen, hopefully to get ready for school. I wait until I hear the bathoom door close upstairs. How bad was it? Excuse me,sir? Jackson asks. Her breakdown how bad was it? Does she need to see a doctor? Jackson clears his throat, No sir. she had a couple of panic attacks. But we talked alot and I am pretty sure, she is starting to see it's not her fault. Oh god she's still blaming herself? I'm startled by this revalation. Yes sir,but I know what it feels like. Being used to do awful things to hurt people and we talked about it and I'll contuine to be there for her. I'm guessing it was you she was with all night. I ask with raising a eyebrow. Yeah,she had a meltdown in her jeep in the parking lot of Familier Ground's. Anyway I took her somewhere to talk. she need it and I swear Sherriff nothing happened. I wouldn't take advantage of Stiles or anyone.

 

It's okay kid, I believe you. Thanks for being there for her and don't make me regret trusting you.Alright well I'm off to work. I say as Stiles comes back in the kitchen drying her hair with a towel. Bye dad,love you. I smile at her a little relived to see her a little more herself this morning. As I head to the front door I hear Stiles asking Jackson if I threatened his life, and Jackson saying no. I hear her snorting laughter and it makes the weight on my chest a little lighter. Well he did Malia, Stiles replys. As I open the door I hear Jackson saying Wait one minute you sleep with Malia? Stiles starts laughing and I hear a glass break. Not like that get your mind out the gutter idoit, Stiles replys as I shut the door. Maybe just maybe Jackson's what Stiles needs. I get in the crusier and starts the engine. He decides not to stand in their way, but he will keep a close eye on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be patient! Real life has caught my in two health crisses. Mine and My Daughters. I was recovering from CHF when my Daughter was rushed into the hospital. We have been there for three weeks and don't know when she will be released. But I have not abandend this story ,I will Finish it!


End file.
